You are Cordially Invited to a Memorial Service for The Ugly Bathroom

Ladies and Gentleman, today we remember the room we knew as The Ugly Bathroom, and find peace knowing it will be replaced with a new, clean and shiny version. Let us take a few moments to remember what made The Ugly Bathroom so special. Because I knew The Ugly Bathroom intimately for almost 4 years, I will do my best to deliver a proper, heart-felt eulogy.

“I remember when I met The Ugly Bathroom for the first time. I was reluctant to use it, especially after the neighbor told me a man “keeled over and died right there on your bathroom floor.” And when I realized 3 boys grew up using The Ugly Bathroom, which probably contributed to the ‘odor’ coming from the carpet around the toilet, I questioned if I would ever be able to set foot in it. But I cleaned that carpet and I used that bathroom, realizing it was teaching me a life-long lesson: Don’t carpet a bathroom. Ever. No matter what the circumstances. “

“The last time I saw The Ugly Bathroom was on Friday, July 25th. I said goodbye to the window in the shower (that we covered in plastic to stop water from leaking to the first floor), I told the mysteriously-stained orange carpeting it was going to a better place, where no one cared about spots and how they got there, wished the spirit of the man who died on The Ugly Bathroom’s floor well, and I smiled as I turned off the construction-style ‘vanity light’ for the last time…”

Though it’s no longer with us, the memories I have of The Ugly Bathroom will stay with me forever. Our friends described it as “sketchy,” “disgusting” and “Seriously, you bathe in here?,” but I will always remember that bathroom as the very first one we owned. Despite its appalling looks, The Ugly Bathroom did its job every time we needed it to, just like it did for the families who used it for the 91 years before us.

The Ugly Bathroom had history and a story, and although I was sometimes scared to let my feet touch its nappy carpeting and often had to shower IN the shower curtain so water wouldn’t hit the leaky shower window, I will always appreciate it. Ugly Bathroom, thank you for always being there for us and for letting your homely looks shine so proudly. We will remember you fondly and regale friends and family with your stories for years to come.”

A few weeks ago, we invited some friends and family over to destroy The Ugly Bathroom. It went a little something like this:

That’s Joey’s booty. He’s going to kill me when he sees that picture.

That’s our friend Brad, who we’ve known since 6th grade, taking a successful whack at the cast-iron tub. Way to go, B-rad. You show that tub who’s boss! It’s not Tony Danza, is it?!!

Eventually, The Ugly Bathroom was reduced to a pile of broken plaster and tile. It’s amazing how easy it is to destroy something that took craftsmen in 1913 days to create.

P.S. See all the black stuff under the window? That’s rotten studs and moldy insulation, which is what happens when you put tile on regular drywall instead of cement board! Don’t ever do that! There’s another lesson from The Ugly Bathroom.

That’s the boys preparing to throw the remains of the bathtub off the back porch.

There it goes!

Nice work, men!

Geeze, we need to cut our grass.

And here’s how The Ugly Bathroom looks today. Still pretty ugly. But at least I don’t have to worry about pee stains on the floor anymore.

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