The kids are back in school, which means I can actually update this blog again!
I want to dive right in to a subject that’s consumed my brain space for months, ever since I miscarried our third child in March – are we having more babies or not? It’s only in the last month that I finally found the answer to that question. It’s come after so much deliberation, endless conversations and analysis of feelings and the pros and cons of adding another child to our family of four.
The answer is no. We are not having any more babies. And in all honesty, there’s a lot of sadness behind that answer, knowing I will never again experience a life growing inside me, snuggle a tiny newborn, watch an infant explore the world or save a toddler’s life every five minute as they encounter choking hazards, electrical outlets and anything climbable.
The miscarriage is one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, and I could never quite explain all the emotions and challenges associated with it, especially when there’s not another new baby coming to offer healing and distraction. I never understood how difficult it could be until going through it myself.
For months, I felt pretty certain I wanted another baby, but I didn’t trust what was driving those feelings. I knew I felt extreme guilt over losing the baby and motivated to rectify the loss of a life by creating another one. I thought if I didn’t get pregnant again, I was giving up on that little life I almost created, cause where does that little spirit go if I don’t give it a home? And I hated that my last pregnancy – the period on my pregnancy story – ended with a death.
I prayed a lot. A lot. A lot. I don’t talk about spirituality much here, but God and I talk all the time, especially lately. I prayed for clarity. For a sign. For the ability to just “be,” so that maybe in the moments when I stopped obsessing about a baby, my brain could hear my heart’s answer.
And finally, I found a mental release. My brain went from a boil to a simmer, and I stopped thinking about a child that didn’t even exist and seeped into the moments I had with my two amazing, living children. I stopped my internal debate and jumped into the present moment with the babies I already had and that is when I finally heard it – my entire being whispering “no one is missing from this family. We are already complete.”
I will, until the day I die, have moments where I wonder what life would be like if that third pregnancy had worked out. That baby was supposed to be here by now, it’s due date was September 26th. I will always feel some degree of sadness over losing a potential life and huge empathy to anyone who experiences miscarriage.
All that being said, the miscarriage also helped me fall in love with my kids all over again and gave me a deeper appreciation for them, their lives and their health. I am so blessed and so grateful and so much more present these days. And I am so relieved to have finally found the answer that feels right for our family. Now I can truly move on.
- Addy, you’re moving too fast.