Addy and Crosby,
We spend so much time together. I am with you two more than I am with any other person on Earth, and it has been that way for years. This will prove to be a good or unfortunate thing, but I’m guessing more likely a mix of both, with an emphasis on the good and you two someday blaming me and your dad for all of your issues until you grow up a little more and realize that despite our flaws, we did our best and it was pretty darn good, and you had a pretty sweet life. So you’re welcome, and I forgive you in advance for all the moments you hate us.
For me, the hardest part of being a mom is knowing how much I matter – the pivotal role I play in your lives as a primary care-taker, love-giver and example-setter and the importance of doing these things well. You also have a collection of amazing people to enhance our parenting efforts and give you variety in love, lifestyle and beliefs. Thankfully, I get better and better at this gig each year, and to be blunt and honest, the loss of unborn babies has improved my mothering skills as I spend much time in a space of complete gratitude for your lives and health. So there’s a silver lining.
I still have moments that aren’t so great, but they’re really not so bad. Mostly I just lose my mind a little when you take 25 minutes to put on a pair of socks or decide you need a dozen different things when I so desperately just want you to go to sleep because there is wine and shitty T.V. shows that really need my attention and you’ve been asking me for things all day long and I just can’t anymore cause I’ve already kept you alive and mostly happy for like, 16 hours, so get your own water and take yourself to the bathroom cause you got this. Mommy is tapping out.
But really, the point I want to make is that I hope, when we all reflect back on your upbringing and our time together, you will have gotten the best of me. That you felt seen, heard, loved and understood for whoever you were at any given moment. I know you have caught me at some rough moments – times when, for various reasons, my patience and rationality were exhausted or my heart was too broken to pretend otherwise. And I hope that you will one day recall those moments as lessons in the honesty of being alive rather than mistakes I made. Maybe I hope to one day see it that way, too.
I feel certain that you will grow up knowing you two are my entire heart, and no matter what it may seem like when you are 13, 17, or 23, that I was always striving to get it right. We have so much left ahead of us. So much fun, so many adventures, so many things to discover and so many talks to have, so many more great memories to make and love to share.
I love you both so much. You are two of my most favorite people to be with and definitely the most fascinating creatures I’ve ever encountered.
I’ve been saying this for years since I started writing you letters here – I love you, I love you, I love you, my sweet, sweet baby girl and sweet, sweet baby boy. Here’s to all that we have been and all that we will be, together and on our own.