From scratch
I’ve been digging through bin after bin of Addy’s old baby paraphernalia, searching out gender neutral clothing, shoes and blankets and unearthing bottles, bibs and burp cloths.
Every outfit reminds me of the baby girl who used to wear them. And while I remember the tiny feet that used to fill each pair of shoes, I feel slightly dazed by the fact that a new set will be in them soon.
I am so accustomed to lugging around my sturdy 2-year-old daughter and our current day-to-day routine. Bottles, boppies and bumbos have been out of the picture for ages, and now I’m unsure of how to make them mesh with a world of cups, bikes and overall toddler insanity.
Addy’s shoes now, and a pair from her much younger days.
Anything newborn that I find seems impossibly small. “Are newborns really that little?” Joey and I ask each other, as if we’ve never had one. But as a parent, your brain is whizzing to keep up with your child’s rapid leaps from phase to phase, making everything before What She Is Doing Today become a blur.
Addy’s current diapers, next to a newborn size leftover from her first days.
And I realize, really, really realize that we are starting all over. There will be a whole new series of first smiles, laughs, steps and foods…all while my big girl continues to cross them off her own growing list.
I feel sadness for my baby who is growing up too quickly and excitement for the baby that’s about to burst onto the scene and remind us of all the teeny tiny things we’ve forgotten.
I want days and days of time to hug my daughter and tell her that I love her, if only she would sit still long enough to let me. And at the same time, I want this boy to arrive so I can tuck him into my arms and teach him what this family is all about.
The first time around, I remember shedding tears over leaving a life as a twosome. Now, I find those same tears coming over departing life as a threesome. I know that just like we did before, we will adjust and ultimately find more love than we ever never existed. But for right now, despite my growing uncomfortableness, I want to pause this moment to make sure I always remember what it was like to be a mom to one.