I have been endoscoped

My endoscopy, also known as In Which They Stick A Camera Down My Throat To Spelunk for Ulcers, was on Friday. For me, the worst part about it was not being able to eat or drink anything (even water) for 6 hours before the procedure, and before those 6 hours began, I was only allowed a liquid breakfast.

I wasn’t even sure what a liquid breakfast consisted of. Could I puree Eggs Benedict with a side of bacon and pancakes? How bought an Egg McMuffin blended with orange juice? “No,” said the doctor. “It needs to be totally liquid.”

So I came up with this.

And have since had the jingle, “Carnation Instant Breakfast…You’re gonna love it in an instant!” stuck in my head. For the record, I did not love it in an instant. It was too sweet. The only thing that happened “instantly” was that I was hungry again.

But, before I knew it, I was at the doctor’s office with an IV in my arm, nurses chatting me up and covering me with warm blankets and then I woke up to find Joey sitting next to me. It was an easy and painless procedure. Joey then had to have the exact same conversation with me 20 times before the drugs wore off and my short-term memory returned.

“Joey. I don’t want the Carnation Instant Breakfast, okay? Joey. I couldn’t eat or drink anything for 6 hours. Hey, Joey. Did I call my parents yet? I’m supposed to call them when this over. Joey. I don’t like Carnation Instant Breakfast. Joey. I’m so hungry. Joey. Joey. Joey. I need to call my parents. Joey-Joe-Joe-Joey.”

Here’s the diagnosis: No ulcers! Hooray! And it’s also not a burning charcoal baby. I have a severely inflamed nerve that runs right by stomach, which is why my belly feels like it’s being slow-roasted over a chemical fire. So, now I’m pretty much loaded up on pain medication and anti-inflammatories 24/7 and am finally feeling better.

It’s things like this, where you don’t feel well for an extended period of time, that makes me so grateful for normal, uneventful, Carnation-Instant-Breakfast-Free days.

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