On being a mother

A few of my dearest friends are considering parenthood. And when they ask, “What is it like to be a mother?,” I wrack my brain, heart and soul to find the words to adequately, fairly and honestly sum it up – to express the messy, heartwrenching beauty of it; how the good, the bad and the ugly intersect to create a world you didn’t know existed until you stept foot into it.

So, this is my best effort to paint a picture of motherhood, at least what I know of it so far. It’s what I would tell myself if I could go back in time to those days right before Addy was born. Keep in mind, I’m still new to this, so I’m hoping other mothers, ones who’ve been in the trenches longer or more than once, will chime in.

It’s hard. And when I say “It’s hard” to you, know that you won’t understand what I mean until you’re a mom yourself. It’s “hard” in a way that you can’t relate to right now, because nothing you’ve been through before can compare to it. Being a mother means sometimes, it really fucking sucks, but most of the time, it’s amazing beyond words.

Think of yourself as a bionic rubberband. In this last year, I feel like my mental, physical and emotional being was stretched to its limit. And what I found is that there is no limit, because just when I thought I’d break, from too much love, too much worry, too little sleep, I kept stretching. Being a mother means discovering you can go so much further and deeper than you ever knew you could. And if you hit a wall, there are people to help you tear it down.

Never say never. Right now, you have ideas of what you’ll do as a parent. When you listen to other moms talk, you may think, “I won’t do that” or “My baby won’t be like that” or “It won’t be like that for me.” Snap out of it. You have no idea what you, the baby or it will be like and you won’t until that baby physically arrives. Take each day and each phase as it comes and make the decisions that feel right at that moment. Being a mother means doing things you never thought you would and realizing that everyone mothers in their own way.

Drop all your expectations. Don’t even try to envision what it’s going to be like, because it’s going to be different. I mean it. Stop daydreaming of all the stuff you’ll get done on maternity leave, because you’ll spend more time than you can even imagine feeding, diapering and soothing that baby. Being a mother means realizing that everything after this exact moment is a blank slate.

Let go of perfection. Because motherhood is anything but, and the sooner you become okay with that, the happier and less stressed out you and your family will be. The baby is going to cry and there will be times when you won’t know why or be able to stop it. In fact, most of the time, you won’t really know what to do, you just figure it out along the way. Being a mother means being okay with the unknown and doing your best even when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

Get ready to love. The love. Oh my god, the love you will feel is unlike anything you’ve known. It may not come immediately – it didn’t for me – but it comes and takes over every cell in your body. I feel like it’s what holds my being together. Being a mother means tumbling down a rabbit hole of emotional intensity.

Get ready to bitch. Man, despite all that love, I sure get cranky. My poor, poor husband gets the brunt of it. There are days when I am maxed out, stressed out, worn out and burned out and if you even think of asking me to do something for you or question a baby-related decision I have agonized over, I will lose it. Being a mother means learning not to give so much of yourself that you truly have nothing left except the crappy parts no one wants anyways.

Attempt the hardest balancing act of your life. Care for a baby, a husband, your home, your diet, your clothing, your social life, your job, your family, your friends, the environment and humanity. I have no sage words for you here, because I’m the worst at this. I don’t know how to do it. Being a mother means wishing there were more hours in every day so you could give everything the attention it deserves. And when you realize that there will never be more than 24 to work with, you learn to pour your attention into what needs it most and let go of trying to please everyone.

Trust yourself. First, trust that your body knows how to give birth. Don’t be scared of it. Much like your pregnancy, it’s a small blip on the map of your child’s life. Second, and most importantly, trust yourself as a mother. You can do this. You will do it. And in all its craziness, messiness and amazingness, you will figure it out and one day, life will be normal again. Being a mother means going with your gut because it’s your best compass, even if it means not taking your own mother’s advice.

I don’t know if these statements ring true to every newish mom out there, but they’re the lessons I’ve learned in the last 12 months. More than anything, being a mom is simply an amazing, incredible thing. My world is bigger and richer because of my daughter and I am a better human being because motherhood altered my perspective on everything around me. It’s one, big great adventure that you get to be on for the rest of your life.

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