McDonald’s, We Need to Talk
Sunday morning, as I returned home from my first overnight stay away from my baby, I stopped at McDonald’s to get Joey, who spent his evening with a fussing baby (what can I say, she missed her mama), a cup of much-needed coffee. When I pulled up to the magic talking box where you place your order, the voice said, “Welcome to McDonald’s. Would like to try a medium Shamrock Shake today?” Although I had no intention of purchasing anything but a coffee (and maybe a hash brown or ten), I have long sworn by the rule that when it is Shamrock Shake season, you get one. So, I eagerly responded with, “Why, yes, I would like a medium Shamrock Shake! And a coffee. And a trunk full of hash browns, please.”
I pulled forward to retrieve my coffee and cool, creamy forbearer of St. Patrick’s Day. The cashier extended her arm towards me and, without pause, my hand immediately reached out to retrieve my order. It was only when our hands met that I took in the full appearance of the object I had grasped and instantly thought, “What the f*$# is this?”
This is not a Shamrock Shake. What’s with the clear cup, the whipped cream and the cutesy Mc-cherry on top that make it look like a McShamrock McFlurry or a McJava or some other Mctreat? No Irishman would approve of such frills, which turn a classic, straightforward “Hey it’s almost St. Patrick’s Day” drink into a wussy, girl-ified version of itself.
This is a Shamrock Shake.
The Shamrock Shake has been sallied and I won’t stand for it. But I will still drink it. But only so the Irish know I support them.
Now, McDonald’s, you might be thinking this is an awful lot of hostility over one little drink and that perhaps my anger is being redirected from a deeper issue. And you would be correct in thinking that. I hope you and Ronald pull up your chairs and take note of this because it’s an issue that’s been bothering me since 1998. I have two words for you: Arch Deluxe.
I miss my burger with the grown-up taste. For the 18-year-old version of me, the Arch Deluxe was my BFF of the burger world, with its peppered bacon and secret mustard-mayo sauce. I loved it. And you took it from me, suddenly, with no hopes of ever bringing it back. If I can have just one last bite of an Arch Deluxe so I could say a proper McGoodbye, I will forgive you for turning the Shamrock Shake in to The McIrish Princess Drink.
You are too funny! I love your very specific opinions:-)
That's so weird. My Shamrock Shake came the traditional way. No frills. Unfortunately, I couldn't get past the atomic green color and will likely wait 10 more years to get another one.
I know it's not McDonald's but…the applewood bacon burgers at Wendy's kinda-sorta taste like the Arch Deluxe. Kinda.
Lisa H. – it must be a Wisconsin thing, then. And I know what you mean, as much as I love the Shamrock Shake, it's something I can only drink once a year.
Jayne – thank you so much for the tip! I will be hitting up a Wendy's very soon!
Susie – as always, thank you for your great comments!
I thought I was the only one who missed the Arch Deluxe; that was the BEST burger… in MY EYES that McDonald's has ever had. I WISH they would bring it back as an anniversary type thing; that would be GREAT!!!
Hey Liz, if you really miss the Arch Deluxe, go to Amazon.com and buy a used copy of Even More Top Secret Recipes by Todd Wilbur the recipe for a close to original home version is on page 123.
It's funny; I was 16 when the Arch Deluxe was rolled out. I worked in the local McDonald's and I remember the sandwich's tenure vividly. There were all of these internal procedural deviations necessitated in offering the item. For instance, the arc of the crown (I mean the actual curvature of the thing's bun-top) was much higher than either the 'reg' buns (used in hamburgers, cheeseburgers, McChickens, and Filets-O-Fish) or the top-third of a Big Mac bun. But the bun toaster was calibrated for the relatively thin Big Mac, so the top of the bun toaster would be crammed down on top of them–and the potato starch didn't really agree with the Teflon plates in the toaster, so they'd stick a lot. Then you've got the whole business with squirting the ketchup on the bun-heel and Arch Deluxe sauce on the crown. When you've been working at McDonald's for a while, it's not only sacrilege when you're told to put sauce on the bottom of a sandwich, it's an unsettling deviation from procedure in a workplace defined by procedure. (Another oddity; the placement of the cheese–precisely one-half slice–on the bottom of the Filet-O-Fish.)Then you've got the pepper bacon, which we used on nothing else, so we were forever running back to the walk-in cooler to get more.
All that said, it was a fine sandwich and the most suspect thing about it was that huge potato roll. And the way the special sauce congealed on the sauce gun, because you never could tell when you were going to have to make one. plus they had cut too many distribution holes in the canister aperture for the sauce to ever achieve escape velocity…yeah, so that part was bad too. But it was still a pretty tasty sandwich.