The Days of Our Drywall
As those of you who regularly tune into this blog know, our “hire a professional drywaller” experience has been quite a saga, so I thought it would be appropriate to tell the story in soap opera form.
Today, on Days of our Drywall, the drama continues in the small town of Remodelin’, Wisconsin, where Joey and Liz have just realized their drywaller is not the man they thought he was…
Cut to a shot of Liz, who is obviously distraught
“Oh Joey! Whatever shall we do about Jeff? Good, sweet Drywaller Jeff who has transformed into a douchebag? What shall we do?!”
Liz faints
Cut to a dramatic close-up of Joey’s face, which is filled with concern and anger. 
“I. Don’t. Know.”
Liz recovers from her fainting spell as an 8 year-old child (who was just 3 days old last week) comes running into the room.
“Mama, mama!”
“Oh Blake, my baby boy! You’re growing up so quickly,” says Liz woe-fully.
She begins weeping and faints
Blake, who is now 15 years-old, runs to his father.
“Father! Father,” Blake cries.
“What?”
“Father, there’s a new drywaller at the door and he says he’ll solve all our problems!”
Liz sits up, looking distressed“Oh Joey! Whatever shall we do?!”
The new drywaller strolls in.
“I am the new drywaller. They call me…”
Cut to a dramatic close-up of the drywaller’s face.
“…Bill.”
Liz faints, but only after having an affair with Bill, which Joey finds out about after Blake, who is 30, overhears a phone call and tells his father all about it. After a long and dirty divorce, Liz and Joey reunite and have a highly anticipated wedding.
Cut to Joey“But Bill, why would I trust you after our first drywaller, Jeff, turned out to be a huge douchebag?”
Cut to a dramatic close-up of Bill.“Yes, Jeff did turn out to be a douchebag, but that’s only because 6 weeks ago his soul became possesed by a devil.”
Suddenly, the door flies open, crashing open against the wall. It’s Jeff. Liz, who is still lying on the floor unconscious from her last fainting spell, gasps.
Cut to Joey.“But Jeff! I thought you died after Liz drywalled you into the wall,” he exclaims.
Cut to dramatic close up of Jeff, who looks like a douchebag.
“Turns out that was my twin brother, Jiff.
At that moment, there is a knock at the door. It’s the police and Liz is arrested for murder. After a trail that lasts two seasons, Liz is found innocent when Jiff’s tomb is exhumed and found to be…empty!!!
The camera focuses on Jeff’s douchebag-filled face.” Look, I’m just here for my tools.”
The camera pans across the floor, where we see Jeff’s tools, which are covered in dust from not being used. The camera stops at Joey.“But Jeff. It’s been years and you never called us. Ever. You only worked 20 hours in 4 weeks. And seriously, you never, ever returned our calls. Not even when I called and left a message saying you were fired and we had your tools.”
Jeff lets out a sinister laugh and lunges for his tools. Joey lunges after him. Suddenly, the silence is pierced by gun shot. Liz, who is laying on the floor having fainted, faints again.
Cut to a dramatic shot of Bill, who has a pistol dramatically raised in the air and a very dramatic look on his face. He lets out a dramatic scream.“Leave this family alone! I am their new drywaller. I’m cheaper than you were and they’ve already seen the fantastic work I do. Even before they officially hired me, I was out cleaning up your mess.”
Jeff, who is clearly terrified, turns and runs. Moments later, we hear a crash. Jeff is the victim of a hit and run, which takes 6 months to solve and results in Jeff’s illegitimate daughter being jailed for his murder.
Cut to Blake, who now has a wife and baby.
“Bill, as Mayor of Remodelin, Wisconsin, I declare this day National Bill’s The Greatest Drywaller Ever Day!”
Liz, who has finally regained consciousness, faints again.
Say tuned for the next episode of Days of our Drywaller, when Blake realizes that Drywaller Bill might actually be his…brother!
Oh my God that is soooooo funny:-) We remodeled both of our bathrooms earlier this year but, we did the drywalling ourselves. I declared myself the Spackle Queen of the Midwest:-)
OK. That deserves some kind of damn award for best screenplay! TOO funny.
So, you’ve seriously found a real drywaller?! I hope so.
I have just found your site and have been amazed at what you are doing! I love old houses too, and bought a 135 year old beauty myself almost 2 years ago this December. Although I have not completely demolished mine, I am SLOWLY working on it! So far I ripped up 7 floors in the kitchen to find original hardwoods like the rest of the house, and a surprise of nothing in an addition to the kitchen that needs repairs. I want to rip my plaster down too sooo bad ( there is a fireplace hiding behind a wall in my kitchen ) but my husband refuses to let me…but we will see. I look foward to hearing more about your house and the little tips are very helpful..thanks alot!!