Nature’s fury in adorable, pint-size form

When one is with child for the first time, one is issued many warnings, such as, “That’s gonna hurt when it comes out,” “Forget about sleeping,” and “Your body will never be the same.” All things that make any soon-to-be-mom super excited about what’s coming her way.

While I heeded some warnings, others were tossed aside like nursing pads, cause boobs don’t really leak milk, do they?

Turns out, they do. Like an incontinent bladder. 

So here’s a warning I wish I would’ve made note of. Pregnant ladies, grab a pen and jot this one down: Babies become insane when they learn to move. INSANE. Brace yourselves for the crazies, cause they’re coming your way.

I can barely change my daughter’s diaper without her barrel-rolling off the changing table. My only line of defense is to hand her 100 different objects she’s never seen before throughout the course of the diaper change, and then we play this game: 

Me: “Look, Addy, it’s a plastic shot glass from Mommy’s college days!” 

Addy: “Squeal.” Snatches up shot glass. Briefly inspects it with her mouth. Catapults it to the floor. “Grunt.” 

This carries on while I simultaneously attempt to wipe her “stuff” clean, dry and then diaper them.

I’ve even called my husband in to hold her down so I wouldn’t get covered in poop as she struggled to hurl her body onto the ground and crawl away like a naked, poop-smeared madwoman.

And when we moved her from The Baby Tub to The Big Girl Tub, it was as if she had snorted 15 Starbucks espresso shots before hitting the water and was about to skyrocket into space, giggling with delight and clutching her rubber ducky. Washing her was the equivalent of catching a muddy piglet and then only getting one tiny spot on its back clean.

I knew mobility was inevitable, but I didn’t see this kind of intensity coming my way.  And you guys, it only gets worse, doesn’t it? Once she can walk and then run and then burn the entire house down, it only gets harder, right?  

• ← The accidental bookworm
• The empty throne →