I Need A Moment

As I’ve alluded to in previous posts, pregnancy brings all sorts of interesting things with it. Some are well known, like morning sickness, while others are only discussed amongst pregnant women in secret meetings and dimly-lit corners. As I am now just days away from entering the third trimester, I’m beginning to discovering a new batch of fun things that pregnancy does to one’s body.

Apparently I said the phrases “so far so good,” “pretty easy,” and “smooth sailing,” in regards to this pregnancy one too many times, because my body is laughing sinisterly at me as the “walk in the park” second trimester morphs into the “my body hates me” third trimester.

Bear with me here, People. I’m about to get rather candid. I just need a moment, or a post, to whine and shed some light on the physiological accessories of pregnancy I did not know about.

Things I’m currently experiencing at 27 weeks of pregnancy with the knowledge that it’s only going to get worse:

1) I am SO hungry. Dear god, I cannot get enough food into my stomach! If it weren’t a useful appendage and tasted more like bacon, I would gnaw my hand off.

There are moments when I am so desperate to get food into my mouth that I pity the people in the cars around me staring in horror as I “eat.” They are innocent bystanders forced to witness a seemingly normal girl slam handfuls of cheese popcorn towards her mouth with such force that it appears the popcorn is actually attacking her, leaving her looking like a cheese-dipped version of Rocky.

2) Despite my epic hunger, my stomach fills up quicker than a senior center on bingo night. There’s a medical explanation for this. It’s called My Organs are Being Squished Between a Baby and My Diaphragm And My Stomach Now Resembles a McDonald’s Hotcake. Oddly, my hotcake feels empty 5 minutes after I exclaim “I’m stuffed.”

3) Combine #1 and #2. This creates a woman who only takes a break from snacking long enough to go to the bathroom or find her next snack.

4) Apparently my baby is already a Girl Scout because it feels as if she’s lighting bonfires at the base of my esophagus. The smoldering in my chest suggests that Heartburn and I are about to become very good friends.

5) My digestive system is possessed by both a 16-year-old boy and 80-year-old granny. Because my stomach now lives practically in my throat, when I take a small sip of water, I burp as if I’ve just slammed a can of Mountain Dew. And fiber…fiber is my new best friend and I shall never take it for granted again.

6) When I’m not thinking “I’m hungry,” “Gotta pee” or “Sure wish I could poop,” my thoughts are like dainty leaves floating in the wind, meaning I’ll have a thought and then it flits away and I forget it ever existed. This brings me to a message I have for my unborn child.

“Dear Baby,

I am happy to share my body, blood and food with you, but Sweetie, Mommy needs her brain. For the sake of both our well beings, please give Mommy back her brain.”

7) I used to be moderately coordinated, meaning I could walk down the sidewalk feeling relatively confident I’d make it one block without tripping on invisible obstacles. This is no longer the case. Last week, as I attempted taking 10 steps down the street with a co-worker, I tripped so badly, not once, but twice, that my friend had to catch me in order to break my fall. Let me again refer to the above message to my 1.5 lb baby girl. “Seriously, Sweetie. Mommy doesn’t like having something in common with The Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. She needs her brain.”

So, that’s how I’m doing. Plus, I’m getting “that line” on my stomach and I’m fairly certain my belly button is quietly preparing to pop out in another month or two.

Despite all of the above, which is probably way more than you ever needed to know about me, I am still thoroughly enjoying being pregnant and am grateful I get to experience it. We’ll see how I feel on August 17th, which is when this baby is supposed to exit my body.

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