A Constructed Life

Baby Number Three

The kids are back in school, which means I can actually update this blog again!

I want to dive right in to a subject that’s consumed my brain space for months, ever since I miscarried our third child in March – are we having more babies or not? It’s only in the last month that I finally found the answer to that question. It’s come after so much deliberation, endless conversations and analysis of feelings and the pros and cons of adding another child to our family of four.

The answer is no. We are not having any more babies. And in all honesty, there’s a lot of sadness behind that answer, knowing I will never again experience a life growing inside me, snuggle a tiny newborn, watch an infant explore the world or save a toddler’s life every five minute as they encounter choking hazards, electrical outlets and anything climbable.

The miscarriage is one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, and I could never quite explain all the emotions and challenges associated with it, especially when there’s not another new baby coming to offer healing and distraction. I never understood how difficult it could be until going through it myself.

For months, I felt pretty certain I wanted another baby, but I didn’t trust what was driving those feelings. I knew I felt extreme guilt over losing the baby and motivated to rectify the loss of a life by creating another one. I thought if I didn’t get pregnant again, I was giving up on that little life I almost created, cause where does that little spirit go if I don’t give it a home? And I hated that my last pregnancy – the period on my pregnancy story – ended with a death.

I prayed a lot. A lot. A lot. I don’t talk about spirituality much here, but God and I talk all the time, especially lately. I prayed for clarity. For a sign. For the ability to just “be,” so that maybe in the moments when I stopped obsessing about a baby, my brain could hear my heart’s answer.

And finally, I found a mental release. My brain went from a boil to a simmer, and I stopped thinking about a child that didn’t even exist and seeped into the moments I had with my two amazing, living children. I stopped my internal debate and jumped into the present moment with the babies I already had and that is when I finally heard it – my entire being whispering “no one is missing from this family. We are already complete.”

IMG_7736

I will, until the day I die, have moments where I wonder what life would be like if that third pregnancy had worked out. That baby was supposed to be here by now, it’s due date was September 26th. I will always feel some degree of sadness over losing a potential life and huge empathy to anyone who experiences miscarriage.

All that being said, the miscarriage also helped me fall in love with my kids all over again and gave me a deeper appreciation for them, their lives and their health. I am so blessed and so grateful and so much more present these days. And I am so relieved to have finally found the answer that feels right for our family. Now I can truly move on.
IMG_7933

 

Tagged on:

7 thoughts on “Baby Number Three

  1. Kelly J. R.

    I’m glad that you have found your peace. It’s like the old saying goes, “Happiness is not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

    My day is filled with anxiety. I’m 11 weeks pregnant and no one knows yet except for my husband and doctor (and now you!). I went in yesterday for my first appointment and the doc was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. So, today I have to go in for a “real” ultrasound and I’m praying that everything is okay and I can finally tell everyone this huge secret that I’ve been keeping. I keep telling myself that I’m worrying for nothing and everything will be fine but it’s not making me feel any better. So, send a prayer up to the big Guy for me!

    1. Liz Post author

      Kelly! Congratulations! I am so happy for you and the incredible adventure that’s coming your way. It’s impossible not to worry, especially during those first few months. I hope you enjoyed seeing your little baby for the first time today and heard only good news. It’s amazing seeing that little person for the first time. Enjoy sharing the happy news!

      1. Kelly J. R.

        Sadly, the doctor confirmed a miscarriage. We went from being ready to tell the family that we were pregnant to having the rug pulled out from under us. The news was such a shock. All we can do is move on and try again.

        1. Liz Post author

          Oh Kelly. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. But you’re right – all you can do is grieve, move on when ready and try again. So so many women have miscarriages and then go on to have a beautiful, healthy family. That little spirit will find its way back to you in time. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do. Thinking of you guys.

  2. Jinny

    Hi sweetie
    I totally understand everything you are saying here. I too have been thinking so much about the fact that the baby would’ve been here with the due date of joeys birthday and it has been very hard thinking about it and the joy of adding a new life into such a beautiful family that you and Joey have. I have wanted to just hug you and say you’ll be okay so many times in these last two weeks but I didn’t want to stir the pot a they say and we both know we are very emotional together and I didn’t want you to hurt you by making you remember the pain and sadness of losing the baby. It is still with heavy heart that there will be no new babies to add to such a wonderful family. It’s an incredibly difficult decision to make, one I have to admit I would love to have another grandchild since my family is so small and the grandkids I have (which are the best in the whole world) are getting so big it’s difficult to not have that little snugly bundle that I love to hold and cuddle and just watch while holding in my arms. You and Joey have been and will continue to be in my mind two of the best parents around tho you need to stop making my babies cry when I’m at your house cuz it just about kills me (I know you don’t make them cry a lot but even a whimper breaks my heart) tho as Joey says I’m a mush bucket anyways. The decision you and Joey have made is I’m sure a very difficult one and I totally stand behind your decision tho the next thing I want to say is your young never say never, but in any case you have given me true joy first off being the best daughter in law a mother could have, secondly being the best wife to my son (tho I understand he can be a wee tad trying at times –haha) and thirdly being the bestest mom ever! I love you with all my being and respect the decisions that you and Joey make for your family. BUT I would babysit for guys anytime anywhere and for as long as you need me or want me even if you had ten kids cuz I love them and you guys so much and your babies are a true joy to be around. Love you!

Leave a Reply to Kelly J. R. Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>