A Constructed Life

WTF? I’m a SAHM?

A few months ago, I spewed the words I’ve decided to stay home with my kids to you all and never spoke of it again. Mostly because I haven’t 100 percent converted to being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom). I’m working 20 hours a week until a replacement is found for me, two days in the office and the rest of the hours squeezed in during naptimes. It’s a win-win situation for now. I get the benefit of more time with my kids, a gradual retreat from corporate life and some kind of a paycheck; they have a body doing some work while they look for new one willing to work more.

The decision to leave my job is the hardest one I’ve made in my life so far, one that is filled with doubt, fear, excitement, joy and anxiety. There are days when I am home, and it is wonderful, exactly where I want to be, and I feel grateful for the chance to do it. There are other days when my kids drive me crazy, I don’t mother the way I want to and the day ends with me feeling frustrated, defeated and doubting if I’m the best person to care for them 24/7.

Then there’s the fact that I am willingly walking away from a career I’ve spent 5 years building, one that allows me to get paid to write and eat lots of food. And I’m doing this in an economy where millions of people are fighting to find employment. I often ask myself if I’m a complete idiot for saying goodbye to a job, in general.

I have agonized over this on a daily basis for a long time, waiting for my gut to point me definitively in the right direction. And I think I’ve gotten there. Although Joey and I crap our pants as often as Crosby when we review our budget and realize the shift in spending we’ll have to make, I think leaving my job is what I am supposed to do. More and more, it’s what feels true and right. That being said, if they were to offer me a permanent part-time position, I would begin my agonizing all over again.

I am scared that when I stop working part-time, I will desperately miss getting out of the house, being professional and using skills that don’t involve my children. But I am more fearful that if I do not do this, I will forever regret it. There are a zillion other reasons why I am making this choice, ones that don’t need to be aired here and lose their significance when compared to the fact that ultimately, I’m doing this simply because it’s what feels right and I have the opportunity to do it…and full-time daycare for 2 kids is crazy pricey. As in almost my entire paycheck.

For as much as I am scared, I am equally excited by taking my life in a new, unknown direction and seeing where it leads. Of course, I have grand plans of all the projects and things I will do, but since I can barely find time in the day to pee right now, I’m not really counting on accomplishing any of them until my children go to college.

So, off I go (in a few more weeks. I’ll still be part-timing for a bit) into a new world that will require new ways to navigate. In the words of Tom Petty, It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing.




6 thoughts on “WTF? I’m a SAHM?

  1. Mom

    Isn’t that what makes life ever so interesting. I have all the confidence in the world in you. You are a wonderful mom and Addy and Crosby are so lucky to have you and Joey as their parents.

  2. TB

    To be honest, all your fears might come true. But all the good parts of leaving your job and making that decision are true, too. So you really just have to make your decision (which you did) and live with the consequences. Negative consequences are nearly never as bad you imagine. I like the Tom Petty quote, “What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing,” so walk boldly into the unknown with confidence!

  3. Crystal

    Liz, you just summed up every feeling I’ve had the last few months as well. You are a great mom and your kids are so lucky to have you!

  4. elizabeth

    liz, i’m about to write a blog post about how hard it is to stay at home. and yet, as i sit down to write it, i don’t regret a single second of my decision to do it. yes, you will have times when you want to get out, feel more “professional” and you will feel like you are losing your mind….but in the end, your gut is what is to be trusted….that gut that laughs so loudly when your kids do something hilarious that you would have missed if you were working. you are inspiring, you are an amazing mama, and you will have lots and lots more stories to write on your blog every day hahahahahaha!

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